Coach as Instrument: Creating Rooted Relationships with Clients to Support Change

This Week's Attunement

“More than we understand, most people deal constantly with fear. “I’m not afraid,” we know you are saying to yourself right now. “I feel fine.” And you are right. You do not feel your fear. The reason you do not is that you are dealing with it. Though you are not aware of it, you have created a very effective anxiety-management system, and that system is what we call the immunity to change.”
― Robert Kegan, Immunity to Change: How to Overcome It and Unlock the Potential in Yourself and Your Organization  

Every year for the past few years, Google has created a brief video summarizing the themes of what people worldwide searched for in the previous year. In 2022, people across the globe were asking: "Can I change?"

In a way, this same question is implied by our clients when they come to us for coaching. Can my life be different? Can I do better? Can I reach beyond where I am now?

A few weeks ago, I attended a conference where Bob Kegan, author of the book Immunity to Change, delivered a keynote address. In a couple of hours, he walked us through the Immunity to Change Map. (If you are unfamiliar with the Immunity to Change model, it's definitely worth looking into as a coaching tool. You can find a simple explanation of how to use it here.)

Something Bob said during his keynote hit me like a ton of bricks. He said, "Humans have two primary drives: To grow and to not die." In this single sentence, he explained why change could be so difficult. And he revealed something elemental about the human experience.

We are each born with an innate desire to explore and discover our world and ourselves. And we can only do that securely to the extent that we believe we are not going to die. (This is the essence of what "secure base" refers to within attachment theory).

And in our attempts to grow and develop (particularly as children), when we become overwhelmed and/or fearful, we'll tend to seek comfort (referred to in attachment theory as a "safe haven").

As children, we develop internal working models of how to "grow and not die," and we take these mental models into adulthood (often not realizing they no longer apply).

Given all this, perhaps the most important aspect of our work with our clients is developing a secure and safe relationship from which our clients can "grow and not die" — a deeply rooted relationship from which they can explore change.

How do we do that?

We all develop relationships with our clients in our own ways. I adapted the 5 As from David Richo's book, How to Be an Adult In Relationships, to my client relationships.

Here's how to adapt it and apply it to your coaching:

• Attention — Pay attention to every aspect of the client, their tone, word choice, gestures, metaphors, facial expressions, and changes in energy - and let them know we're seeing it through mirroring. This kind of attention can help them feel safe and seen.
• Acceptance — Accept the client fully. We don't need or expect them to be different in any way, so we'll be more comfortable. It doesn't mean we agree with them or even approve of all their behavior. We can simply let them be who and how they are. When we accept our clients, they know they can explore themselves even more fully.
• Attunement — Feel with the client what they are feeling. It creates a shared experience in which they feel safe and understood. (Note: this doesn't mean becoming overwhelmed by their emotions. Just that we take in a percentage of them so we can know what it feels like in the body and empathize accurately and compassionately)
• Acknowledgment — Acknowledge the best in the client and name it. When we acknowledge, we are looking for and seeing the essence of our clients that might be hard for them to see in themselves and calling it out — helping them claim it.
• Allowance — Allow the client to be, change, and behave however they behave. Give them the space to experience new things, try, explore, and grow. 

When we develop a rooted relationship with our clients by demonstrating the 5 As or our version of it, we can help them know that they can "grow and not die." In short, we can assure them, "Yes, you can change, and I'll be here to walk alongside you."