Coach as Instrument: Self/Other Orientation - The Root of Our Greatest Challenges

This Week's Attunement 

“If you want to understand another person in some fundamental way you must know where the person is in his or her evolution...the way in which the person is settling the issue of what is 'self' and what is 'other' essentially defines the underlying logic (or 'psychologic') of the person's meanings.”

— Robert Kegan

 

For those who use the WE-Q Profile with clients to get at the root of relational and performance challenges, Self/Other orientation is a familiar concept. For virtually everyone else, it's new.

What is Self/Other Orientation?

Self/Other orientation is an internal working model developed largely in childhood that reflects where we tend to place our focus under stress: inward toward our Self or outward toward others and the world around us.

What is significant about Self/Other orientation is that it is at the root of how we humans tend to lose our Self-agency when challenged.

Why does Self/Other Orientation Matter?

In times of stress, every human being (of the 25,000+ we've examined) tends to be more self-oriented or more other-oriented. That means that in responding to a challenge, we humans will tend to focus more inward, on our Self and what we can do to change the situation, or we will tend to focus more outward and on others and what they can/should do to change the situation. In either case, what we are trying to do is to control the situation in some way to keep our Self safe.

When we are more self-oriented, we can tend to take more responsibility than is ours. We can say "yes" when saying "no" would be healthier. We can become enmeshed with others, losing our boundaries and sense of a separate self.

When we are more other-oriented, we can tend to look outside our Self for what's not right. We can look to please others or win their approval when looking inside for approval would be healthier. We can exclude our Self from a challenging situation and disconnect from others in the process.

Whether we are Self or other-oriented, what's true is that we are trying to change the situation from what it is. We are not being present with and accepting of what is. And we are giving our Self away.

Different Orientations, Same Result

Whether we lean toward Self or other orientation, the result is the same. We lose our Self. If we lean more self-oriented, we may catch every ball before it drops, accept responsibility and perhaps blame that isn't ours. We may step in to make things better for someone else, to our own detriment, in order to stay safe and stay in-relationship. And in doing so, we may tend to ignore, dismiss, minimize what we truly want. We may tend to silence our voice and prune our own expression.   

If we lean more other-oriented, we may read the room, evaluate the situation, compare against expectations. We may look out for others, fight for what's right at our own expense and overlook our contribution, both positive and negative, to stay safe and independent. In doing so, we may lose access to what we want, think, feel, and need due to our focus on the wants, thoughts, feelings, and needs of others.   

Advocating for the Self of the Client

Self or other orientation is fairly easily discerned from the narratives we offer. If our narratives are more focused on our Self (i.e., "I should have done better," "I'll need to do this to fix it," "I wish I could do that over again"), we lean more self-oriented. If our narratives are more focused outside our Self (i.e., "He was trying to help," "You can do better," "I want her to get off my back"), we lean more other-oriented.

For various reasons, the behaviors of the Self and the other-oriented can be quite similar though the motivations are quite different. (That's a blog for another day).

Regardless of their orientation, what's important for us as coaches is advocating for the Self of the client. And advocating for the Self of the client starts with not buying into their story.

The self-oriented will likely be buried under a mountain of work that they have nonconsciously taken on, and they are convinced they alone must do. They'll try to convince you that there is no one to delegate it to, no additional resources to ask for, and no negotiating timetables or priorities. Don't believe them.  
  
The other-oriented will likely be focused on what others aren't doing and should be, how unappreciated they are, and how they are doing more than others. They'll try to convince you that the problem is outside of them and outside of their control. Don't believe them.

Asking "What do you want?"

It's surprising how empowering this simple question is: "What do you want?". If we are self-oriented, we'll tend to believe that what we want doesn't matter. If we are other-oriented, we may have trouble knowing exactly what we want because we have yet to consider it.

Helping our clients excavate what they truly deeply want, regardless of how realistic they think it is and regardless of how much effort it takes, may be the kindest, most generative role we can play for our clients.  

We humans can and do easily lose ourselves amidst the navigation of our paradoxical drives of" becoming" and "belonging." By advocating for the Self of our client, we can support them in overcoming their greatest challenges.