Coaching as Instrument: Why We Resist Acceptance

This Week's Attunement 

As the psychologist Carl Rogers put it “The curious paradox is that when I accept myself, just as I am, then I can change.”

The title "Why We Resist Acceptance" both makes me laugh and gives me pause. I see patterns so often, both in myself and in my clients, that are like chinese finger traps, a kind of unconscious practical joke in which pursuing the very thing we want keeps us from it.

One such pattern I commonly see is resistance to acceptance, a stubborn determination to avoid seeing, realizing, consenting to what is. And we persist in our resistance because we would rather live with our own ignorance (and its consequences) than deal with what acceptance would mean.

For instance, in the past, I've had people working for me in pivotal positions who weren't performing. And it was easier to just keep hoping things would get better than to accept that this person upon whom I felt deeply dependent wasn't right for the job. Because if I accepted that, it meant I had to face major, likely stressful changes I wasn't sure I could handle. (However, my resistance kept me from seeing clearly and determining what I could and couldn't handle from a place of intention.)

Many of the issues, challenges, problems our clients bring to coaching relate to something they are resisting, a co-worker who is creating stress, a project that's off its timeline, results that are below expectations. And many people will associate accepting things as they are as giving up or giving in. And yet, when we accept things (including ourselves and others) as they are, something within us relaxes and after the grief of letting go of hope for a different past, something else opens up.

We can support our clients in accepting things just as they are in order to facilitate the change they are wanting. We can ask, "If you accepted this situation (this person) just as it is (they are), what then?" You'll get all kinds of responses and likely resistance and then the work begins. It can be helpful to remind our clients (and ourselves), that which we resist persists. And only when we accept things, the situation, others, as they are, can things change. 

What's Inspiring Me
So I can continue to do what I do and inspire my clients as well

“Attention is the rarest and purest form of generosity.”
—  Simone Weil on Attention and Grace