Coach as Instrument: Giving Up the Hope for a "Better" Mom

This Week's Attunement 

A conversation with my mom on a recent visit:

"Alison, I like your bracelet."

"Thank you."

"Can I see it?"

"Sure."

I take it off and hand it to her. She takes it and puts it on.

"I like this. I'm going to keep it...(pause). I'll leave it to you when I die."

If you didn't know my mom, you might think that this exchange was influenced by some degree of dementia but then, you don't know my mom. Until the last few years, I'd had a challenging relationship with my mother. It only began to shift when I gave up my hope for a "better" mom. You see, I (non-consciously) had been holding out for a mom who was empathetic and nurturing. A mom who thought of me first, a mom who would keep confidences. I was comparing my mom to an idealized version of whom I thought a mom should be. When I stopped "needing" my mom to be different, I could see more of who she is, and I began to appreciate and enjoy her more. And our relationship improved.

Think about a relationship in your life that you wish were different. How are you wanting, hoping, needing the other person to be some way other than they are?

My sense is that once you stop "needing" the person to be different, something will shift in the relationship. This isn't to say that you should stop communicating your wishes for the relationship, just to accept the person and the relationship as it is now. Giving up the hope for a "better" fill-in-the-blank… spouse, friend, partner, parent, neighbor, or employee will shift something in the relationship so that it can be more generative for both of you.

I hope you give it a try and let me know how it goes.

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Until next week!