Coach as Instrument: How Awareness Works

This Week's Attunement

Autobiography in Five Short Chapters

Chapter One
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost... I am helpless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter Two
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in the same place.
But, it isn’t my fault.
It still takes me a long time to get out.

Chapter Three
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in…It’s a habit…but,
my eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

Chapter Four
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

Chapter Five
I walk down another street.

— Portia Nelson, There’s a Hole in My Sidewalk: The Romance of Self-Discovery.

I love this short poem by Portia Nelson because it chronicles how awareness works. At first blush, we might wonder if it really takes Five Chapters for our awareness to result in a change in our behavior. And I’d say, that for most of us, it takes way more than Five Chapters! For me, it might take a lifetime.  :)

Many of us, myself included, spent time with family over Thanksgiving. There’s nothing like family to remind us of the deep holes in our sidewalks and our patterns of falling in.

I’m always curious about what keeps us in patterns that don’t serve us, and I had a myriad of opportunities to reflect on this for myself during my recent visit home.

Upon reflection of my interactions, particularly with my mom, I found that what can keep me “falling into the holes” in our relationship include:
 

• Not seeing the hole (i.e., not being aware of the start of the unhealthy dynamic between us, missing the cues and falling unconsciously into the pattern)
• Wishing the hole in the sidewalk wasn’t there (i.e., wishing she was different, wishing I was different, wishing our relationship was different).
• Believing that if I name the hole in the sidewalk, I won’t fall in. (i.e., I can name what’s not working in our relationship in the moment without blame, which has the unfortunate side effect of making her feel criticized).
• Blaming the hole in the sidewalk on someone else (i.e., blaming what’s not working in our relationship on her - “she’s feeling criticized - it’s her interpretation that’s the problem”)
• Feeling a sense of determination - I CAN walk down this street and NOT fall in the hole. I WILL. (i.e., being determined to correct misperceptions earnestly - “I’m not intending to be critical,” which doesn’t land as hoped)

I’ve worked on my relationship with my mom for 50 years. One might think that by now, I’d be walking down another street with her. And much of the time, I do. And it’s such great learning for me when I don’t.

Simply writing this out makes our dynamic so clear to me, and what can be my non-conscious role in it.

Walking down another street in my relationship with my mom means maintaining moment-to-moment awareness of the energy in the field of our relationship and being aware of:
 

• What she’s feeling and what I’m feeling
• How she’s interpreting me and how I’m interpreting her
• Where the conversation is leading
• The purpose of the stories we are telling and what they are wanting
• How we are identifying in our stories and how we are wanting to see ourselves and each other
• Who we are to each other in our narratives and what we are wanting from each other

When I’m aware of all these things, I experience a greater knowing of how to navigate the relational field to yield an outcome I feel good about.

So what does any of this have to do with you as a coach and with coaching?

The autobiographical chapters noted above create questions we can offer our clients (and ourselves) when there is a pattern of “falling in the hole.” Questions like:
 

• What did you notice about yourself just before you fell in the hole?
• What were you thinking, feeling, sensing, wanting?
• What kept you from seeing the hole?
• What’s it like in the hole? What feels familiar about it? What feels uncomfortably comfortable about it?
• What’s the outcome of being in the hole?
• What kind of person falls into a hole like this?
• What kind of person do you want to be?
• What does that kind of person think, feel, sense, want?
• How does that person see the hole?
• What does that person do instead of fall into the hole?
• What’s the outcome of that?

Try this out on yourself.

Think of a situation that didn’t go as you’d hoped. Replace “fall into a hole” with whatever happened that didn’t work for you.

Ask yourself the questions above.

How’d it go? LMK. I’d love to hear how your awareness works and what you are becoming aware of.