Coach as Instrument: The Gift and Cost of Guilt and How to Give it a Rest

This Week's Attunement

“Conscious discipline is freedom in action.”
— Victor Reinoso

A few days ago, I completed a challenge called 75 Hard. The primary rules of 75 Hard are: for 75 days: 1) Follow a diet and stick to it; no cheats. 2) No alcohol. 3) Work out for 45 minutes twice a day, once outside. 4) Drink a gallon of water per day. 5) Read 10 pages of non-fiction per day (not an audiobook) 6) Take a progress photo every day 7) If you miss a day, start over 8) No alcohol — did I mention no alcohol?

While I’m glad it’s over, I’m taking away a pretty powerful insight.

My insight: I’ve been shouldering a boatload of guilt. While this wasn’t a complete surprise, recognizing the weight of the guilt I was carrying was a revelation.

The structure and discipline required to follow 75 Hard gave me a much needed respite from my guilt. Every day, I woke up knowing what I’d be doing and what I wouldn’t be doing. I knew I’d be eating and moving in healthy ways, that I’d be giving my body what it needed to function well, that I’d be feeding my mind and not just my body, and that I’d be spending time in nature. And at the end of each day, I knew I’d followed the rules. 75 Hard proved to be a pretty effective recipe for a guilt-free day.

Even though I’ve worked out almost every day for decades, even though I eat healthy and I’m at a healthy weight, even though I don’t overindulge in alcohol and drink a lot of water, and even though I read a lot of non-fiction (mainly via audiobook), prior to 75 Hard, I still experienced an enormous amount of guilt (largely outside of my awareness) about not working out enough, or not eating healthily enough or drinking too much alcohol or not reading enough of those stacks of books I buy. Whatever amount I did, I perceived it as not enough.

And while that guilt has come at a cost (more on that later), it has also been a gift. After 75 days of following 75 hard, my “after” picture was virtually identical to my “before” picture. My weight was practically the same, and my muscle mass and body fat were the same. And that’s because all these years, my guilt has motivated me to work out more, eat healthy and drink less alcohol and more water, and learn more about myself and the world. I was already doing these “Hard” things in my life. And they weren’t that hard. That’s the gift given by guilt that’s been years in the opening.

And that guilt can come at a cost for me. When I’m not conscious of my guilt, I can tend to carry around a sense of “not enough .”The guilt has, at times, caused me to doubt myself and be self-critical. I’ve carried it in my body. And it has, at times, spilled out onto other people, creating a spiral of guilt.

And I know, because of our work at Learning in Action, that emotions don’t have to come with a cost. We can experience their gifts and let them go. And to do that, we must first be aware of them.

That’s why we created the WE-Q Profile. To help us see what we can’t see about how we are experiencing our lives and our relationships.

OK, when we become aware that we are prone to experiencing guilt (and many of us are, and that’s OK), how do we give it a rest and not have to bear the cost?

The answer may be different for everyone.

For me, I’m going to create a version of 75 Hard for the 365 days of 2023. I will create a set structure of what I intend to do each week to create a healthy, energy-filled, learning, growing, and joyful life. (Still TBD on the details, and I’ll keep you posted). And I’ll set an intention to follow it every week. And when I can’t, I’m going to show myself compassion, accept where I am, and get back on the horse when I’m able.

Because I know that with acceptance and consistency, following that structure will give me enough of what I’m wanting and I can rest into it, guilt-free, knowing that.

How, if at all, do you see guilt at play in your life? What’s the gift in it?

What, if anything, within you is asking for self-compassion? What, if anything, would you want to change to trust that what you were doing would give you enough of what you are wanting, over time?

What would you want to do to create and follow your own recipe for a guilt-free day?