Explore More

In all my years as a coach, I've only attended two single-session classes on working with metaphors, which now seems strikingly odd. My clients (and most people) use metaphors routinely. Metaphors incorporate a sense of how the client is experiencing their situation and the seeds of the resolution they seek.

To quote Dr. David Drake, "Metaphors bridge between worlds, opening up new perspectives on our situation, our stories, and our selves."

It might go without saying, it's probably not a good idea to try coaching your mom. And I'm embarrassed to admit that I learned that lesson the hard way!

I went to Oklahoma to visit my 89-year-old mom recently. She's in remarkably good health and spirits most of the time.

On this recent visit, my mom repeatedly referred to my sister-in-law's sister as "The Diva." After the 4th or 5th time, I said, "You know that's a judgment, right?”

Oh, and did she hit the roof! Who did I think I was? Why was I always accusing

Most of us tend to believe that we are empathetic people. And most of us are...some of the time. And often, when an empathetic (or empathizing) response is called for, we do something else (that's right, even us coaches). It's not because we are "bad" or "wrong" or "immoral ." It's because we are humans raised by other humans.

I've been studying what gets in the way of our empathizing for the last decade or so. And I've identified four main reasons we tend not to empathize.

1. We don't recognize the emotions of the other person. We miss the signals in the words, gestures,

Last week at the entrepreneur roundtable I led, we identified loneliness as a theme from our check-ins. We were each experiencing loneliness in our own unique way. For some of us, loneliness was the result of missing the sense of connection that comes from building something with a team of capable and passionate people. For others, loneliness was the result of not feeling understood or felt. And others felt lonely simply because they believed that they were the only person in the world who could do what needed to be done for their companies and families. We have many ways and reasons for feeling lonely.

As we discussed our sense of loneliness together at some length, I had an epiphany of sorts about my own sense of loneliness — my loneliness was

A few years ago, someone I respected and one of ICF's first few members, said to me, "If I were to summarize all coaching competencies into one, it would be “coaching presence."

To be honest, I didn’t understand that at the time. I understand it better now. And hopefully, I’ll understand it even better, years from now.

Presence during coaching is a bit like walking on a path that we only see one step at a time as it reveals itself. In my experience, coaching presence requires enormous trust. Trust in the client, that what's present is generative in some way.Trust in ourselves that we are a partner to the client’s unfolding,

A couple of weeks ago, I had to put down my beloved dog, Libby. My sweet pet was a constant source of warmth and joy and I've been grieving the loss of her gentle, loving presence.

And as I've communicated my experience to others, I've been reminded of the stark contrast between empathy and empathizing. While there is a myriad of different definitions of empathy, emotion researchers generally define empathy as an ability we possess to sense someone’s emotions, coupled with the ability to imagine what they might be thinking or feeling.

Empathizing, on the other hand, is about what we do when confronted with someone else's emotional pain, how we meet and stay with them in their...

Roughly 15 years ago, my then three-year-old son was diagnosed with autism. At the time, it was devastating. Of my many worries over the past decade and a half, top among them has been the uncertainty, "Will my son know love?"

Though I've been largely unaware of it, I suspect that I have dedicated so much of my life to studying emotions because of my son.

Since his diagnosis, I've been talking with my son about emotions, how they show up on faces, how to name them, and the thoughts and stories that can accompany emotions, his own and others. As a result of that (and every other

Over the 18 years or so I've been coaching, my view of what I'm doing and what's happening when I'm coaching has changed a lot.

When I started, I thought my role was to, "get my clients somewhere" or "add value," or "get my clients to see something."

My perspective on all that has changed.

Now, I see coaching as encouraging an organic process that is already and always underway.

What does that mean? I explain it further in this 7-minute video.

We don't have to look very far to find something to be utterly devastated about.

The mass shootings, the war in Ukraine, and the shocking political rhetoric that's creating deeper and deeper divides. And we coaches can be rocked by the struggles our clients face as well. The loss of loved ones, illness, or heartbreak.

What are we to do in those times when there is simply nothing to be done?

We can bear witness.

A conversation with my mom on a recent visit:

"Alison, I like your bracelet."

"Thank you."

"Can I see it?"

"Sure."

I take it off and hand it to her. She takes it and puts it on.